I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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