she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
