I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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