I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
