I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
