You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
