im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
