he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
