Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize