Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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