I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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