I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
