Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
