Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
