I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
