my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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