Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
