I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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