I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
