Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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