we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
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