He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
