My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
