Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
