once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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