is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize