So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
