just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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