She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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