so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
