I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
