she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize