Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
