a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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