I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
we should paint friendship bongs
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
