i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
