You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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