My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
