Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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