Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
