and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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