I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize