Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
