May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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