I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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