why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
