he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
