my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
