There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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