for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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