i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
