I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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