he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
