im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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