got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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