I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
