Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
