mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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