Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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