we made out on top of his cat.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
