I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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