yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize