Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Randomize