3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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