I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
