so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
